| (no subject) |
[Jun. 21st, 2005|11:45 pm] |
|
Damn this sucks...i'm worn out, so much so i need to have a mocha frappucino or something to that nature every day to get by...i'm slowly dying a slow death at work...and now mom threw her back out again so I'm stuck once more taking care of most of the shit at home...my shoulder/neck hurts more and more each day and I just don't know what to do anymore. i feel like the summer is slowly slipping away...40 hours of my life i could be having fun i'm wasting away with carpets samples and sticky barcode labels all day long. who the hell said summer was great? i'm exhausted i'm bitchy i'm out. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 5th, 2005|11:22 pm] |
well it finally got nice out and i finally have color on my skin....altho i'm sure working everyday this week will assure me back to my milky white self i shall try to maintain it as much as possible. weekends are essential sun bathing time. lol.
home is getting old fast. don't get me wrong i love it here with all my friends i haven't seen in so long and i shouldn't complain cuz i see them soo much there never really has been a dull moment in my day yet (except for at work) but i'm missing my ultimate freedom....i miss not having to worry about what time you're going back home and when dinnner is and checkin in with the rents to let them know ur plans. it sucks. and i mean they do let me go out to as late as i want now but i'm still not totally free. plus i miss everyone at school so much. i miss the voices, the laughs, all the good times we managed to have in the crap hole middle of the woods.
the whole car ordeal is stressing me out a lot too. my father is being a pain in the ass i don't even wanna get into it. and my raise well i got a whole freakin 36 cents more. woopty fuckin doo. so i still like my uncle is a stingy bastard.
so yea thats my update on life. leave love if u want. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 19th, 2005|10:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
Well I got nothin better to do right now so hows about an update.
Hmmmm let's see...worked all week so far...this 40 hours a week crap is gonna get old fast I believe. Still haven't found out how much I'm making this summer wage wise...guess i'll wait and see on tuesday. Just found out someone had told my aunt like a month ago her bank was hiring tellers for $15 an hour and said that I should look into it. Kinda late now tho i'm sure. I was kinda pissed about that. ummm whatelse...hung out with my best bud Tiff a couple times this week that always equals fun, she got bit by a dog while riding her bike around the bezerk though...it looks really bad too! damn dogs. went for a 2 mile walk with ryssa and becky tonight that was fun. So far i'm doing pretty well with my new diet plan...no soda or sugary drinks except the rare red bull type of drink cuz I need something to boost my energy somedays...only 2 or 3 meals a day depending if i have time for bfast and i only allow myself one small snack a day. I'm hoping to get myself motivated enough to start running or doing some exercises on a regular basis. So we'll see. Other then that life has been the same...no boys still but right now i'm soo occupied with work and seeing my friends i don't mind it for now...not that big a deal i guess. so yea that is that in a nutshell...i can't ramble on much more so peace out dawgs! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 15th, 2005|09:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  optimistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Listen to Your Heart" | ] |
So a couple days ago I was pretty down. I've come to grips with getting a job with my uncle for now...I'll be sure to fill you more in on that later...I start back up tomorrow so we'll see how this goes. Friday was cool I ate lunch with Eryn and her sis. Met up with Yara. Then hung out with Ryssa and Becky and saw Monster-in-law. which was really cute so I reccomend it to everyone. Saturday spent the day being tortured by mom...i really can't tolerate shopping with her anymore. lol. Then went to poker night with Jess, there we saw Ashley, Meg and Alex (three chicas I missed dearly). I helped Kevin win quite a bit of money and so he said I'd get a share of his winnings! SCORE! That was that...then today I thought for sure would be another dreary day spent thinking of how much life can suck. But it really is amazing what a dose of a couple best friends can do for a person. Tiff came home last night and so I didn't think I'd get a chance to see her cuz she had to work today. So Eryn had stopped by and we were all lazy and bored so we sat on my bed watchin tv all day. Then we decided to give Tiff a call and see if she was still at work...We were lucky enough to have caught her just as she was getting out so we planned on dinner at Chili's. So now I was pumped I haven't seen Tiff since March! Tiff shows up and 5 minutes ahead of time! like whoa! lol. We chatted caught up on life a bit it was a lot of fun! It made me feel soooo much better too. Even now I'm still happy so yey! We saw Evan Minior at Chili's our former male field hockey player...he is in the Air Force now and he was all in uniform so I was impressed. We joked around and stuff and reminisced. good times. Then we left and Eryn eventually went to go hang out with her hubbie and Tiff promised her bro she'd watch Lil' Rascals lol. So I stayed home and watched National Treasure with the fam. Another quality movie. So anyways...I feel slightly better now about life. Knowing some of my best friends are home now...and 1 more week before they are all home is a comfort. Even though I'll be working all day all week during the summer sucks, I know what I got to do. My expectations are high with beach, clubs, trips, and friends. So holla back, this might not be so bad after all! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 13th, 2005|01:07 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
So I guess sitting at home all week has me thinking more. It has also got me really down about life. I really just want my friends to come home and all will be cool ya know. But I miss my friends at school, at least their phone calls entertain me every day. I got all my grades and I'm really upset with myself. So sitting here thinkin bout it all day gets me going. Now I just feel like a failure at school.I'm always just average at life. No matter what. I could work harder then anyone else and still come out average while it seems everyone else slacks off has a good time and gets by just fine if not better then me. It really hurts cuz I wanna know what the hell I'm doing wrong. Then there's summer jobs. They say colllege gives you more opportunities. I say fuck those people. I can't find shit that'll pay me $10 an hour, and my Uncle is a bastard. I fucking leave for school he hires my aunt to work the same job I do and she gets paid 12 an hour while i get paid 8 fuck that shit. Who the hell does he think I am so kid who doesnt need the money! Asshole, i love my aunt to death but that really pisses me off that he goes and does that shit just cuz I don't conform to his standards or something. Well if he doesn't give me what I want he can kiss my fucking ass this summer. But it's so hard for a college student struggling with loans, bills, and what not to get by when people don't wanna hire you for a couple months...if they do hire you it's for min wage. and that won't do shit to help me get by. I really hate it all I'm so fed up with it. It just makes me wonder if I'll actually be worth something someday. Will I actually make it or be average and fail when I compare myself to everyone else like what usually happens. And why the fuck can't I find one guy who will date me, what the fuck have I done wrong all my life to deserve it. I'm tired of it all! I can't take it anymore goodbye! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 11th, 2005|12:52 am] |
|
home sucks...i miss school...i miss my friends! |
|
|
| Got this from Erin...If you're bored fill it out!! Should be fun! no? |
[May. 11th, 2005|12:50 am] |
: 01] Who are you, what's our relationship:
02] How and where did we meet:
03] What's my middle name:
04] How long have you known me:
05] Tell me one good thing about myself:
06] When you first saw me what was your impression:
07] My age:
08] My birthday:
09] My favorite band at the moment:
10] Color eyes:
11] Do i have any siblings:
12] Have you ever had a crush on me:
13] What's one of my favorite things to do:
14] Do you remember one of the 1st things I said to you:
15] Describe me in 3 words:
16] Name 5 things I love:
17] Do you think I'm good looking:
18] How would you describe me to someone:
19] Would you ever date me:
20] Tell me one thing you've always wanted to say but never did:
21] What do you like most about me:
22] If we could spend a day together what would we do:
23] Have we ever gotten in a fight:
24] Do you think we will be friends for at least 3 or 4 more years:
25] Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
26] What do you think my weakness is?
27] Do you think I'll get married?
28] What makes me happy?
29] What makes me sad?
30] What reminds you of me?
31] If you could give me anything what would it be?
32] When's the last time you saw me?
33] Do you think our ...friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the
same?
34] Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
35] Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?
36] If I was an ice cream flavor, which would I be and why?
37] What song (if any) reminds you of me?
38] If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?
39] Do we 'hang'?
40] Do I cross your mind at least once a day? |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 7th, 2005|01:42 am] |
|
Yea so today was move out day. Finally back at home but all mixed up inside. Had me a few good cries too. I'm gonna miss this year, I hated it a lot cuz of some things but I really had fun. I'm really gonna miss not livin with my best friend again. I think that's what gets me sad the most. I'll miss her to death, I don't think I could have asked for a better roomie or friend. I got lucky there. No matter how much crap we put each other through we still stay best of friends. She probably knows me better then half my friends and pretty much all my family. To know I can't just talk to her whenever I damn well please cuz she was always in the same room and now I gotta track her down is gonna suck a lot and take a lot of adjusting. I hate good byes though. Honestly they just suck, I'd pretend to be all happy and then just have a breakdown the second we parted. Then the ride home was long and lonely...mom and dad in the car in front of me...me all alone in mine...with nothing to think about but the fun of the year and how much i'll miss everyone...i'm glad i didn't get into any accidents with my sobbing fits lol. But I made it home saw some people...went to see that new ashton kutcher movie which put me back in a depressed mood but oh well. I'm better now I think. I need to go to bed tho...So i can organize and go thru all my crap i brought home. lol. Peace out. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 24th, 2005|11:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
Wow Spring Weekend '05 is officially over...thank god. Although it was pretty darn fun. Thursday was Carriage that was probably my drunkest night. I had a lot of fun walking aorund I drunk dialed a lot of people. And peed in the woods! hahaha. Friday night was Celeron. There I wasn't quite as drunk but still drunk enough. Got Kathryn drunk, made out with some guy named Kendall, until everyone caught us and made fun of me! Jerks! haha. Then I sobered up and got cold. We were about to head back but had to wait for a few people so we stood there for a bit and somehow I managed to lose my phone. Go me! Sober Bec and a missing phone. No luck finding it so I had to get it replaced! :( boo. Saturday was X-Lot...it was pouring but we got drunk anyways...well i attempted to but fell shy of even being tipsy, had to take care of Kathryn and Chansy, poor things what messes. I got soaked and had to peel my clothes off when I got back. Today was a soccer game, we won so we go to the semi finals! yey! I'll update you on that one. Other then that nothin much is new. Had lots of fun but now for all the crappy work. I have a quiz due thursday, a final paper due Thurdsay and a speech to give on Wednesday. Plus i gotta get ready for all my other finals this is gonna be 2 weeks from hell! But i'll do my best to enjoy it! It's kinda crazy to think I got a week and a half left and even though I'm really ready to go I'm gonna miss everyone! :( Here's to a fun summer! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 21st, 2005|09:55 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Someone Snoring | ] |
it figures my animal icon is a frog after i accidentally stepped on one and killed it the other day...poor thing...I KILLED MY PRINCE CHARMING! ahhh! Last night I went to an awards banquet...met some cool people and hopefully I can now get an intern ship with this firm i got some money from!! They have an office in Providence!! yey!!! anywho..Things are on the up and up finally. Eryn and E. Lew are visiting today and then tonight marks the start of Spring Weekend...let the boozing begin! But that's all for now folks..I'll let ya know if anything funny happened this weekend...I'm sure there'll be plenty of stories to write about. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 18th, 2005|02:31 pm] |
|
I swear I'm the biggest fuck up sometimes |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 16th, 2005|03:12 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  mellow | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Girlfight" | ] |
I feel like time at college has an expiration date each semester. There comes a point where you want to stay cuz it's college I mean who doesn't really want to stay but then it's like you know you've had enough. Things start getting to ya and it's just really that time to go home and get away from it all. Kinda like milk, you love milk, and you've had the carton for quite some time but you still have the urge to drink cuz it hasn't quite reached teh expiration date. So you take a sip but it's just not the same it's starting to go bad and thats when you know you need to go out and get yourself a fresh carton.
Can't wait to go back home though. I miss my friends more then anything in the world and I miss good home food. I miss my car and my own room. I miss trust.
This week was kinda boring. I surprisingly didn't have much homework so I sat around and did a lot of nothing. I tried finding jobs. But I'll have to save that for when I go home. I've been going through a lot of internal emotional turmoil which has caused a large lack of sleep, besides the usual loudness in my room which does not allow me to get a good nights sleep. altho I must say last night and today were the most incredible sleeps ever. It was sooo quiet you could hear a pin fall. AMAZING!
Tomorrow I think we are gonna go see a scary movie! yey! who knows what else may be in store. I also need to look for a good club shirt. Cuz I may have some plans when I get back home haha. Anywho! Off to bed I should go so I can get rid of this cold! I hate being sick. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 11th, 2005|11:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | lonely | ] |
Feeling lost, afraid of things going back to a time when they were dark, fear of rejection. I don't know what I should do. I feel like I'm over reacting but that one word brought up over and over again makes me fear what ruined a lot for me. And I don't want to have to start all over again and again. I'm just tired of it all I want to go home. This sucks. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 11th, 2005|12:29 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
What up dawgs? I had an interesting weekend. First I thought I was gonna go to NY cuz thats what Darnell said and then he changed his mind to next week. I guess his car wasn't ready at the shop or whatever. So booo on him. But Friday it was sooo nice out i had to make up for the lost days during the week. SO I went and shot some hoops out in the back here with Tasha, Chris, Jonathan, and later on Kathryn. Then Kathryn decided to buy Red Bull and drink 5 of them. IN ONE NIGHT! She was bouncing off the walls it was nuts so we went to WalMart so she could go burn some energy. Came back at 3am. Then Saturday we were bored...well Kathryn was at least. So she convinced me and Josh to bring her to get her eyebrow pierced (she never mentioned it before so this was really random) so we went got it pierced and everyone was in shock. We then watched movies and attempted to dye chansy's hair but it was too dark so it just came out the same color. lol. Sunday we went on a picnic, then to Alumni to visit Darnell, Kharim, and crew. Ate dinner, played cards, went back to change, and had our soccer game, we won 3-1. YEY. But Chansy and Kathryn came home with some serious battle wounds. THose girls were dirty bitches. Anywho. That was pretty much that. Hopefully this week and next weekend will be just as fun! peace out! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 7th, 2005|02:35 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
| [ | music |
| | a very angry song | ] |
I'm pissed at life...I'm pissed at my grades...and I think I know why I do shitty all the time. But I bite my tongue cuz I am not gonna start shit with a month left. It just pisses me off sometimes. And I'm really down again right now about life and I can't figure out why. I just am. I'm looking up depressing lyrics and quotes and I feel like shit. I wish I knew why I get like this. And I have all this anger, all this emotion I just wanna spill but I'm like one of those freakin spill proof baby bottles! I DON'T FREAKIN LEAK!! Perhaps all this homework lately is driving me crazy, but whatever it is I just wish I could put a genuine smile on my face. I've been stuck inside all week when every day has been sooo beautiful I just want to go in the sun and relax but noooo can't do that. And I still haven't found a job yet for the summer. How the hell am I gonna get a new car if I can't get a freakin job. UGH! People suck life sucks School sucks...can't get much suckier...I give up...I just plain ol' give the fuck up. Goodnight |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 4th, 2005|12:36 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Oh" Ciara | ] |
wow some people are flat out rude...i'm in shock. Cuz I'd never do that shit to them but maybe I should start now. Ugh that really pisses me off but anyways. Won a soccer game tonight! finally! 8-0 too! which was awesome so we need 2 more wins to get into the tourney! Umm this weekend was a blast...I should have done a lot of work but instead went to a party friday night haha slept late saturday went to the KFC for dinner watched Eurotrip played videogames...hilarity ensued until 5am. Then Sunday was spent goin to McD's after we woke up at 2. ummm Basketball! and Soccer! fun fun! so yea great weekend. Hopefully next weekend will be just as fun! Still can't wait to go home in a month though. I miss my peoples alot. Plus everyone seems to be having a rough time lately and I wish I could be closer by for them but I gotta do what I can from a distance I guess unfortunately. Anywhooo time for me to start on my work I think...plus gotta go vent ahhh! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 27th, 2005|01:35 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | shocked | ] |
I came to the tragic realization today that my friends who are a year older then me only have 1 summer left of fun before they are off into the real world. Which means...1 summer to party with them and have a full out blast...which makes me think i only have 2 summers left like that. scary scary thought what the hell will i be doing?? i don't wanna grow up yet damn it! my god this sucks! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 23rd, 2005|11:40 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  relieved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Sugar" | ] |
well housing issue is now solved. Got Hilltop Suites...which is a little closer to campus, not quite South but we're getting there year by year. Hopefully it will be a fun year. Definately lots of change. But hopefully for the better. I feel so much more relieved now. Thank god. Now I just gotta worry bout classes. I think I can handle this. And tomorrow I get to go home. What can be better then that?! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 22nd, 2005|03:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "ebonics" big L | ] |
So I think I'm feeling a bit happier about things. Some loose ends in life are finally being tied it seems which helps a LOT. But it's still a struggle some days. I try to be happy because I hate bringing other people down with me. But I'm getting there. Tomorrow I found out where I'll be living next year. That will be a big stress reliever I hope. I pick courses next week which will also reduce stress levels. And theres only a little over a month left. My college career is half over already. Kinda crazy. 2 more long years to go though. I hope I survive. I'm going home this weekend I can't wait. I miss my friends so much lately. Sometimes it feels like they are the only ones I can really trust, which is a good thing, but I would like to know I can count on people 24/7 here too. Anyways I need to get my butt in action. I can't sit around doing nothing just cuz my whole body hurts from soccer lol. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 17th, 2005|11:37 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | sympathetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Bad Day" Fuel | ] |
I find it amazing how one minute life as everyone knows it to be is perfectly fine, everyone is happy, no big shakes, yet we all (and anyone can't tell me that they don't) take these happy moments in our life for granted. Then the next thing you know your life can be flipped upside down and changed drastically forever, and you are all left there wondering what happened to that happy moment in life.
Lately, I've been thinking about the whole life and death thing, mainly because of the stories we've been reading in English and also knowing people who were dying. And it honestly truly scares me. Some may say well you shouldn't be afraid of death if you've lived a good fulfilling life. But once again when you're lying on your deathbed who is gonna say ok yep i'm ready to die now, i don't want to live anymore! Hardly anyone, I'm sure there are a few exceptions but come on.
And now hearing how a family you know, who you played sports with, who you went to class with, who helped you find a college and write you reccomendations, who you occasionally had a good laugh with, are hurting sooo much because of the death of someone they truly loved so much. It makes me look back on life, how close I was to feeling the pain they are feeling, how the way I acted at that time probably was selfish, but how was a 13 year old supposed to know how to act and maybe that's the difference. But to think I was almost in there shoes to try to imagine what they are going through is so un-nerving, so upsetting, and I can't even come close to imagining that pain which i'm sure makes their feelings a million times worse then mine.
Then you wonder, what would you say to someone you loved if you knew there were going to die, how would you act, what should you do for them. What if you were the one dying, who would you wish to see, would you tell the people the secrets you've been keeping for so long, and all you can do is just try to place yourself in that situation and it's absolutely awful. However, what if you aren't as fortunate enough to know you are going to die, perhaps it's an accident of sorts and you don't get to see anyone before you go. What then? Did everyone you loved so much know that, and now because of college it gets harder to keep in touch with those people who you truley care for, everyone is preoocupied with their HW and their future, when we should all really be concentrating on the fact that we don't know when it's going to be our turn or anyone else and we should be calling those people frequently, letting them know how much they mean to you, having as much fun as you can with those people, and not fighting or getting annoyed with eachother because of stupid shit.
We are all so dumb to these things, then it takes someone who was an incredible person to many, to pass away and it makes us think about all of this and remind us that we need to cherish everything a little more, yet we all forget about it after awhile and we go back to being dumb again, until that one thing really bad happens to you and then you regret it for life. So from now on I will truly try to be better, try to learn from these lessons of life that are taken for granted and shrugged off by many, so that perhaps I won't feel so lost in the end. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
beefa's journal